Animals that don't Exist

The Drunk Dog

The drunk dog, Canis inhebrietus, is a relatively new breed of dog. It ressembles a golden retriever, but with an unmistakeable taste for alcohol.

It was while seeing police dogs trained to sniff out bootlegger caches during the prohibition that Alan Bick first thought of the idea of selecting a breed that has a predilection for the then-illegal substance. Thirty years later, he presented the first drunk dog at an Alcoholics Anonymous convention in New York. His plan was simple: since the dog would like a drink just as much, or even more, than his master, he would constantly be on the lookout for a hidden bottle, and, if he found one, empty it before his master could.

The idea took hold at first, and a number of recovering alcoholics procured one of the dogs, in the hope that their new companion would stop them from falling back into their bad habit. However, this was without taking into account the social nature of dogs.

If there was no alcohol in the house, the drunk dogs would steal it from somewhere else. But, as dog etiquette dictates, they would invariably offer a share to their master whenever they brought home a bottle. This led to some of the most intense friendships between man and dog, and was responsible for destroying a number of households.

Today, drunk dogs are not bred anymore, but their descendends still roam the streets, sometimes in company of humans, and sometimes on their own. And if, by a struck of ill luck, they manage to form a pack, no distillery will be spared.