Animals that don't Exist

The Coiling Smoke

The coiling smoke, Escherichia coiling, is a little-known prokaryot that is found mainly in tobacco leaves. Due to its particular requirements regarding habitat, it has never been successfully cultivated as of yet, and the study of its life-cycle remains an arduous tasks.

Although the exact functioning of its metabolism are as of yet unknown, the coiling smoke has at least one impact on human society that can no longer be scientifically disputed: it makes cigarette smoke coil.

The study of cigarette smoke, and its physical properties, has been the subject of few studies, if we disregard those focused on its impact on health issue. Indeed, the physical aspects that make cigarette-smoke behave the way it does are very underrepresented in scientific literature, the most likely cause of which is that nobody really cares.

But, as history has taught us time and time again, the most interesting subjects are often those nobody cares about. It is with this spirit that Ai Shteru, of the Tokyo Institute for Who Knows? Maybe Someday Somebody Will Care (TIWK?MSSWC), has undertaken his study of cigarette-smoke.

After a number of tests on the exacts physical properties of cigarette-smoke, Dr. Shteru has found that, in the absence of E. coiling, cigarette smoke does not coil, whether it be the smoke released from the cigarette itself, or the one blown from the mouth of the smoker.

Whether this discovery will have any impact on the human understanding of physics remains yet to be seen. But before we ridicule this research as another abuse of scientific funding, let us not forget: Science is the pursuit of knowledge. Whether or not this knowledge will help humanity is the domain of politics. But until we know, we won't known whether knowing is worth it or not.

Animals that don't Exist

The Comet Hopper

The comet hopper, Rosetta philae, is an artificially created life-form designed to colonize and terraform comets. First thought of in the late 1980's, the “manufacture” of the comet hopper took more than ten years, and is one of the greatest scientific undertakings of its time.

Being artificially created, the planet hopper cannot be classified into the existing phylogeny of life, and thus, an entirely new branch has been added to the tree of life. Next to fungi, plantae, animalia, protozoeae and monoreae, we now have the homoformeae. Although the comet hopper is their only representative as of now, the new kingdom might grow faster than most expect.

Philae was designed not only to reach comets, but to start analyzing the surface components of these comets, and, if at all possible, gather the materials necessary for it to build a replica of itself, thus imitating, or becoming, life. The exact nature of the materials, as well as other information it can find on the comets, is sent directly back to earth, so that new command modules can be designed, to improve adaptability of the comet hopper, and allow it to create replicas of itself with materials not found on earth.

Although the comet hopper had to be shot into space for its first landing, and the cost and time involved in this operation would not allow us to mass-replicate it in current economical conditions, spreading philae from its initial home might not be quite as complicated.

Equipped with the latest model of movement sensors and cameras, the comet hopper can scan not only the comet on which it has landed, but also passing celestial objects. Once the comet hopper has created a clone of itself, this clone will then wait for another comet passing nearby, or any other astrological body of sufficient size, and hop from one comet to the next. Given the low gravity of the comet, and the precise mathematical algorithms that have been programmed into the comet hopper, this jump should not be of much difficulty, although the landing could pose some risks.

Of course, many have objected that the chances of encountering a suitable object are too low, or that the replication of the comet hopper would take too long. However, this is without considering the circumstances of the whole project.

Being a human-made object in space, the lifetime of philae is much longer than that of the organic life on our planet, which is constantly subject to oxidation, radiation, and other degrading mechanisms of aggressive compounds. But for a man-made structure in space, circumstances are quite different, and their lifespan should be considered accordingly.

If the programming of the comet hopper has gone well, the new life-form will execute its mission regardless of the time it will take. And who knows? Maybe in a hundred years, or maybe in a thousand, there will be a small representative of the homoformeae coming back to our planet. And won't it be fascinating to see what evolution has done to it?

Of Things Long Gone

The past always catches up to you in way or another. No matter how hard you try to run, no matter how determined you are to move forward, the past always catches up with you. It isn't necessarily a bad thing, though.

The times when we got lost while running straight ahead, the times when we forget where we come from, or where we are going, our past catches up with us. It always does.

Like a shelter from the storm, like a prison in the plains, our past gives us shelter and holds us back. It is comfortable and familiar, and it has sunk its hooks deep into our flesh. It will keep us tethered to reality when our dreams try to take us to the skies. And it cushions our landing whenever we fall.

Our past always catches up with us.

Animals that don't Exist

The Crying Seagull

The crying seagull, Larus fleo, has been considered an incarnation of the gods by the people of the Kalahari desert since ancient times. With a wingspan of up to one meter (~3.28 feet), the crying seagull is one of the larger members of the Laridae family, and flocks of the pure white birds are an impressive sight to behold. The birds always preceded the rare rainfalls in the Kalahari, which is why the natives gave them their name.

The exact reason why the birds would precede the rain, and not follow it, has so far eluded scientists. This peculiar behavior means that the crying seagulls arrive in the Kalahari when it is at its driest, and food and water are scarce. Early hypotheses about the behavior thought the gulls might feed on the animals that had succumbed to the harsh conditions, but observations on the field have yet to record a single instance of this behavior.

John de Galle, of the Paris Institute for the Study of Creatures With Feathers (PISCWF), who has recently been nominated for the French Award for Having Studied Stuff (FAHSS) for his paper on the behavioral patterns of the Paris fashion week, has stipulated that the birds use the strong winds that precede the clouds to migrate over the African continent, a journey which, according to Dr. de Galle, they could not undertake under normal conditions.

Recent observations of the climatic changes that are starting to affect the Kalahari desert have shown that the population of crying seagulls is directly dependent on the amount of rainfall in the desert. The fluctuations of both the gull population and annual rainfall are in perfect harmony. Although most scientists agree that it is the fluctuating climate that influences the birds' population, some have another explanation.

“Normally, when a population declines in reaction to a change in the environment, there is a lag period between the environmental change and the population change. This is not the case here, since the rise and fall happen at exactly the same time. The only explanation is that the two changes share the same cause”, said Thomas Fifi, of the African Institute for the Study of Dry Places (AISDP).

Animals that don't Exist

The Addicted Rat

The addicted rat, Rattus norvegicus demonicus, is a subspecies of the common brown rat, Rattus norvegicus. The common brown rat had been used in scientific experiments for over a century, and in the course of those experiments, a number of strains have been cultivated for one or more interesting traits. This is also the case of the addicted rat.

The addicted rat has been used mainly in labyrinth-experiments, where solving a puzzle or finding one's way through a maze is recompensed by a treat, often in the form of food. To discover the extent of the cognitive capabilities of rodents, scientists selected the best performers, and made them do more and more complicated tasks for their reward.

At first, it was believed that the strain thus selected would have higher intelligence than the average brown rat. However, subsequent trials have proven that this is not the case. The addicted rat is in no way intellectually superior to the brown rat. It is, however, much more susceptible to addiction, and thus, has a much stronger drive to solve a puzzle or reach the end of a maze. However, whenever there is no reward to be obtained, the addicted rat performs significantly lower on cognitive tests than a common brown rat.

In 1976, panic broke out in a laboratory in Oslo, as Gunnar Gunnerd discovered that the whole population of addicted rats had managed to escape their cages. Scientists feared that the animal would upset the balance of the local ecosystem, and, due their ease with puzzles and mazes, would be very hard to catch.

As it turned out, the whole population was found one hour later in a storage room where the rewards for the lab animals where kept. Given that the door was locked, and that no air duct was connected to the room, it remains a mystery to this day just how the rats gained access to the treats, or even how they managed to open their cages.

After the episode, the animals were transferred to a safe room, and kept under lock 24/7, to ensure they did not escape again. This precaution, as it turned out, was unnecessary, since all the rats died a few days later, as a consequence of the excessive treat-consumption that had happened during their escape.

The addicted rat fell into disgrace after the Oslo incident, and has been avoided in laboratories ever since. However, Dr. Jensjens Gunnerd, son of Gunnar Gunnerd, and part of a team of human ethology at the Oslo Institute of Ethically Dubious Studies (OIEDS), has recently started to breed them again, and hopes to find clues as to how humans interact while observing their behavior. As far as Dr. Gunnerd is concerned, “the only other species known to mankind that would show this kind of self-destructive behavior is, well, mankind itself.”

Freedom

Freedom is a strange boon. When there is nothing to hold you back, there is nothing to push you forward. You just have to take your shot, and nobody can tell whether you'll miss or hit. Nobody can help you, and nobody can stop you.

Freedom is a strange boon. You stay suspended in limbo, with no point of references. Floating through empty space, you try to recreate reality to your liking, but it remains sketchy at best. Freedom is a strange boon.

Animals that don't Exist

The Music Makers

The music makers, Lemuridae melodia, are part of the same family as the lemurs indigenous to the island of Madagascar. Given the intense urbanization and deforestation that has been ravaging this unique island for the better part of a century, it was commonly believed that the music makers had gone extinct since at least two decades. However, they have recently been rediscovered on mainland Africa. How they came to establish a new population on the continent is unknown as of yet, but scientists believe that they are the descendants of illegally shipped animals.

Although their name might indicate a rather vocal species, the music makers are extremely discrete animals, and their observation requires patience and luck in equal amounts. They live in groups of ten to twenty animals, and between two and four members of the tribe are always on lookout. Unlike most animals, who only sound the alarm when danger is spotted, the music maker watchmen/women are constantly relaying the state of their surroundings to the group by imitating various sounds found in the jungle.

For the untrained ear, it is almost impossible to distinguish the deliberate sounds made by the lemurs from the background noise found in the forest. And because the whole group is constantly aware of everything happening around them, it is extremely difficult to sneak up on them. However, when the music makers are pushed out of their natural habitat by lack of food or human action, their “music” renders them extremely conspicuous, and thus easy prey for nearby predators, or poachers. Which is why their population on Madagascar was one of the first to suffer massive decline due to human interference with their natural habitat.

Before the arrival of the white man, music makers were among the most revered species of lemurs. Local villages considered them to be an incarnation of God, and recent research by Prof. Dhamouli Badabambam, of the African Institute for Dope Beats (AIDB), suggests that the tribal music that emerged on or around Madagascar was heavily influenced by the sound of the lemurs.

Even in modern times, the music makers have continued to inspire performances around the world, whether it be carnival bands from the early nineteen-hundreds, or modern drum'n'bass from the nineties. And who knows? Maybe their recent rediscovery will revive the trend.