Animals that don't Exist

The Fire Eater

The fire eater, Tuckerella flamma, is a little known member of the Acari subclass. Unlike its better knowns cousins, the ticks, the fire eater does not feed on living beings. Neither does it feed of off fire, but rather, it finds its nourishment in the ashes left behind after a fire.

Although little known by most pundits, the fire eater is an essential component of the development of many ecosystems. Mainly found in dry and hot climates, the fire eater fulfills a crucial step in the recolonization of fire-struck environments. By digesting the ashes, it filters out most of the toxic products of combustion, which it stores in special cells called toxocytes. This makes fire eaters extremely toxic, and protects them from predation. At the same time, it allows other animals and plants to colonize the ash-ridden ground after a forest fire that much faster. It is believed that most ecosystems that regularly experience forest fires would not be able to recuperate fast enough without the fire eater.

Until the appearance of Christianity, fire eaters have been considered largely beneficial animals. The old tribes believed that they actually ate the fire, and stopped it spreading too far. Thus, fire eaters were praised, and considered a good omen. However, after the appearance of the Christian religion, they were considered Satan's spawn, the only creature able to survive god's purifying flames. Whether or not they were appreciated by humans had little impact on the fire eater population.

In the latter half of the XXth century, it seemed as if a new strain of fire eaters was evolving. Indeed, there was much discussion regarding Tuckerella flamma urbanus, a new sub-species of fire eaters found manly in ashtrays.

The abundance of smoking in those days created the first urban habitat for fire eaters, and they spread rapidly through the world, adapting to their new environment with incredible speed. However, since smoking laws have become stricter in the last decade, the number of homes for this sub-species has diminished drastically. As populations became more isolated from each other, they soon started dwindling, and at the current speed, urbanus will be extinct in another twenty years.

Meanwhile, the original fire eater seems to have found a good standing with humans once more, and it has become increasingly common that posh people keep a population of the small animals in their fireplace.

Animals that don't Exist

The Depressing Duck

The depressing duck, Anas depressidae, is one of the most fearsome hunters of modern times. Closely related to the common mallard, Anas platyrhynchos, it has differentiated from its cousin about five million years ago, just as its prey had started to evolve into its modern form. Indeed, the depressing duck hunts almost exclusively humans.

First of all, let us clear up one common misconception: the depressing duck is not, itself, depressed. It is, however, extremely depressing for people to see a depressing duck. Why that is the case remains unclear, despite numerous studies on the subject.

In fact, the depressing duck is one of the most studied animals on the planet, and yet, one of the least understood. One reason is that all those who have studied it have fallen into deep depression. As a consequence thereof, their accounts often deviate significantly from a rigorous scientific analysis of their subject. Take, for example, this short introduction to his exposé on the depressing duck by the late Chuck Chummy, former student at ULCA (he committed suicide shortly after the completion of said introduction):

“The depressing duck... really... Why can't people see? Can't you see how pointless it all is? Nothing will ever work out anyway! She doesn't love me, don't you get it? Its all empty words! Promises that will never be kept! And nobody understands that it won't ever change! We'd be better off dead!”

This is one of the more informative pieces of scientific literature written about the depressing duck, since it at least mentions the animal's full name. It is believed that many more studies of the species have ended up in the literary section of the library than in the scientific one, due to the authors spending more time lamenting their fate than talking about the duck.

The recent genetic studies of the depressing duck have been conducted purely on samples that were obtained through automated trapping of animals. Of course, before analysis, scientists could not be sure from which species they had a sample, but cross-referencing and multiple comparison over several thousand samples have allowed them to reconstitute the genetic history of the depressing duck.

Even though nobody, as of yet, knows how the depressing duck is so depressing, the why has been common knowledge since long ago. The depressing duck depresses its victims, and follows them until they commit suicide. Once they are dead, he then feasts on their corpse. A human body can sustain a fully grown depressing duck for up to two months, or so it is believed, after Max Tournier, of the New York Center for the Study of Completely Crazy Stuff (NYC-SCCS) has made a complex multi-factorial analysis of suicide rates cross-referenced with duck migration patterns.

The depressing duck has been classified a class A dangerous creature, and governments around the world are expending an enormous amount of money and effort to eradicate it. However, it was not always so.

In Nordic cultures, the depressing duck was venerated as a portal to the gods, and was believed to allow humans to glance at the truth of the universe. The depressing side-effects, the Scandinavian tribes believed, were due to the fact that mere humans could not contemplate the truth without going mad.

In France, during the “Siècle des Lumières” (XVIII century, give or take depending on the source), the depressing duck was a constant companion to more than a few famous artists. Even today, it is not uncommon to see young people in search of inspiration willingly fall prey to this most devious creature.

Sick

I am.

Sludgy mucus rasps onomatopeously against swollen sinuses, sucking noises grasping my ears. Throat sore and aching itches as bacterias spread, my vicinity and incubator for those too foolish to stay away.

Paper fills with brain-sludge as my heart pounds against my head with every sneeze. My body curls up tight against the cold and the woes of old seem near at hand.

What it must have been like, in a shabby little cottage, wet and moldy, with no honey in your tea and no tea in your water, drinking molten ice in rusty cups. Getting a kick in the arse for lying around when there is nothing else you can do, slouching achingly towards the door, feeling as if leaving forever more.

But even if it was worse before, today too, I hate being sick.

Animals that don't Exist

The Cloud Eater

The cloud eater, Passer vesconimbus, is related to the common house sparrow, Passer domesticus. Although the species has only been discovered recently, sightings of the cloud eater have been reported for over a thousand years, if only sporadically. In Europe, they were believed to protect the people from floods, and were thought to be messengers of God, since they lived so close to him. In the more arid parts of Africa, they were welcomed as the bringers of rain, and the first sightings of cloud eaters would be the signal to start the rain festivals that announced the beginning of the new harvest.

In the beginning of the XVIIth century, as the renaissance started, and people began to rely more on science, the myths surrounding the cloud eater, and the existence of the species, begun to be dismissed as superstition. It would take another three hundred years to conclusively prove its existence.

Just as his name indicates, the cloud eater eats, well, clouds. Or, to be more precise, the cloud eater eats the tiny organisms that live inside the clouds. These organisms, which often have been imported into the cloud through evaporation, and stay within the water vapor thanks to Brownian motion, have an effect on cloud formations and eventual precipitation. And by eating them and regulating their population, so does the cloud eater.

Due mostly to the increased pollution levels found in the atmosphere, as well as the direct interference by planes that has increased drastically these past years, cloud eater populations are on decline around the globe. And it seems that there absence is having a dramatic effect on precipitations around the world.

The diminution of cloud eater populations means an increase of microbial life in the clouds. This increase, in turn, means that the effect of said microbial populations on cloud formation and precipitation events is increased. Given that these microbes act mainly as catalysts to precipitation, their increase has led to shorter half-life times for clouds, meaning that precipitations occur much sooner in the cloud's life-cycle. Concretely, what this means is that places with little precipitation will have even less from now on, since clouds will tend to “pour out” their water sooner. This will lead to a marked skew in precipitation throughout the world, causing floods in places close to cloud-forming events, and droughts in those far away.

Even though not only biologists, but the whole of the scientific community has stressed the importance of the cloud eater in regulating water flow, conservation efforts are still remarkably feeble in comparison to the increased pollution that we see.

In some parts of the world, it is now believed that the clouds are mourning the passing of their friends, and that is why they cannot stop crying.

Animals that don't Exist

The Underdog

The underdog, Canis basus, is a species of the Canidae that is found exclusively in urban habitats. In contrast to other members of the same family, the underdog is a solitary creature, living mostly in basements and sewers, and seldom seen in the light of day.

The origin of the species is unknown, but it is believed that the underdog separated from the common dog, Canus lupus familiaris, about two thousand years ago. Although this timespan is extremely short for pronounced speciation in a mammal, behavioral, morphological and genetic analysis leave no doubt that the underdog is indeed a separate species.

Its body is smaller than that of other dogs, and its teeth are more adapted to a diet consisting exclusively of carrion and leftovers. Genetic differences can be observed in the nuclear as well as mitochondrial DNA, and are believed to be responsible for the underdog’s extremely efficient metabolism. Indeed, and underdog can survive on one hundred grams of fetid meat (3.5 oz.) for several days without showing any signs of fatigue or reduced activity.

A recently emitted theory for the appearance of the underdog suggests that the species separated from the dog mainly because of behavioral traits, namely its reduced social affinity. The individuals that separated from the group would mate with each other, reinforcing the genetic disparity between the two species-to-be. Morphological and genetic changes would follow to account for the solitary lifestyle.

The example of the underdog does illustrate the importance of behavioral differences in speciation quite nicely. Often overlooked by pundits, behavioral differences are the first signs of speciation, and differences therein are considered one of the main factors for reproductive isolation in early speciation events that happen without physical separation of individuals.

Even today, it is believed that singing birds living in urban areas are becoming reproductively isolated from those in more rural settings, because they adapt their singing to be heard over the noise of the town. This difference in tune prohibits them from attracting, or being attracted to, their rural cousins.

Out of Order

Back next week.

Animals that don't Exist

The Drunken Gnu

The drunken gnu, Connochaetes inhebris, is not, as commonly assumed, an inebriated Linux user. Rather, it is a nomadic species of even-toed beasts in Africa.

The drunken gnu, close relative to the blue wildebeest, Connochaetes taurinus, is found mostly in central Africa, where it follows the seasonal ripening of fruits, feeding on whatever is available, and migrating in accordance with the rains. Except that, in opposition to other species, of which most have the same migratory pattern, the drunken gnu is, so to say, late.

Arriving always one or two weeks after the ideal period, the drunken gnus eat mostly old fruits, partially rotten, in which fermentation has already begun. Hence their name.

A herd of drunken gnus that has just left a feeding place can be scary to behold. The members of the herd will stumble, and sometimes even fall, as they keep on advancing, copulating here and there.

Even the young gnus participate in the orgy of rotten fruit, and excessive consummation of alcohol is believed to be the major cause of death in drunken gnus. Only during the heaviest of rains do they drink water, and eat grass, as their cousins are wont to do.

In African culture, the drunken gnus have held a rather polemic place. Most communities, especially Islamic villages in the northern parts of central Africa, hold the drunken gnus in contempt for their abuse of alcohol, and consider them an abomination of nature. Ironically, this very condemnation might have saved the drunken gnus, since they are neither eaten nor hunted by the people of the north, but simply shunned.

In the south, however, opinions are more nuanced. Even though there are those who think the beasts savage and do not approach them, a cult has developed around the drunken gnus.

Some villages send their young adults on a pilgrimage, where they need to follow the gnus for a year, before they can truly claim to be adults. Others simply partake of rotten fruit at predetermined times, to revel in the effect. Even in Europe and northern America, the rite of the drunken gnu is observed zealously by some.

Sadly, due to disturbances in the rainfall pattern over the last years, as well as human destruction of its habitat, the drunken gnu is not faring well in recent times. In support to the beasts, the Queen of England has ordered a thousand bottles of scotch be delivered to them each year, in an effort to allow them to continue their normal life cycle.