Politics that didn't Happen

After Donald Trump lost the primaries in early 2016, the U.S. elections went ahead as they always have: two parties that are basically the sides of one coin trying to hype up their differences to give people the illusion of choice. Regardless of the winner, the 'war on terror' went on as it had before, rampant capitalism remained the economical model of choice, some token efforts were made to stop climate change (but as we now know, they where nowhere near enough), and poor people kept on getting fucked in the ass by rich folks who told them that it was for their own good.
Of course, things would probably have been worse if Trump had been president. But when you present people who didn't have a real choice for decades with something drastically different, they're gonna be interested. Even if it is drastically worse.

Politics that didn't Happen

As was widely reported in recent newstories, the U.S. army has destroyed several hundred million dollars of Daesh funds with their favorite method of conflict resolution, namely bombing the shit out of it. However, the destruction of U.S. currency is illegal under U.S. law, and, as was verified after the bombings, ISIS had a lot of their cash-reserves in actual dollar-bills. As soon as this became public knowledge, several prosecutors in the U.S. filed charges against the army. Within weeks, the U.S. was aflame with debate over the physical destruction of U.S. currency held by "enemy organisations".
The actual case is pending at the supreme court as of now, but Daesh has already prepared for a favourable outcome, equipping both their vehicles and their fighters with dollar-suits. As one of their leaders put it: "If they are taking this all the way to the supreme court when it's done by their army, you can be sure that they'll sue anybody else who does it."

Politics that didn't Happen

In early 2016, US congress passed a bill that allowed relatives of the victimes of the 9/11 attacks to sue Saudi-Arabia. This, of course, put a strain on US-Saudi relationships, but it was nothing that a couple oil deals couldn't smooth over. It did, however, open the door to a whole new category of lawsuits.
Since Saudi-Arabia could be held, at least in part, responsible for the 9/11 attacks, this meant that other countries, too, could be held responsible for terrorist acts that were committed by its citizens, or planned on its soil. And it wasn't long before french citizens launched a lawsuit against Belgium.
The belgians thought that they, too, should be awarded some form of compensation, and sued their own government. After that, all hell broke loose.
Governments started suing each other, people sued the families of both those responsible for attacks, and those present at the attack but who got away unhurt, because they could have taken the place of their loved ones, and might have avoided doing so by "treachery or deceit", as was written in one filing.
Of course, not wanting to get left behind, Daesh, Al-Quaeda and others started suing too, mainly on the ground that lax security had permitted their members to become criminals and live in infamy, and also get sued a lot, something for which they wanted compensation from the governments responsible. It did not take long for wars to turn into legal battles. And once the lawyers took over, things really started to get ugly.

Politics that didn't Happen

In early 2016, Jan Böhmermann, a german comedian, took it up on himself to demonstrate the difference between satire and vulgar insults by giving an example of the latter, reciting a poem he had written about turkish president Erdogan. The turkish president did not appreciate the act, and wanted to press criminal charges. After a few weeks of debate and internet memes, Angela Merkel caved, and allowed Erdogan to prosecute the comedian under an old "Lèse-majesté" law. And as one, the heads of state of other European countries cried outrage.
"It cannot be", said David Cameron, "that in a modern, western democracy, comics are prosecuted for insulting the turkish president, when everybody that made fun of me never even got a fine!" French president François Hollande went even further, pointing out that "after the tragic events a year ago regarding Charlie Hebdo, it should be clear to anybody that satire is dangerous, and should only be used to mock enemies of the state. The fact that such a powerful and deadly weapon has been directed at the president of an allied country is an affront, and the fact that when its him, they press charges, but when its me, they just laugh, is even worse. #JeSuisErdogan"
As events unfolded, more and more people in high offices complained that they, too, wanted to press charges against a couple of people who had made fun of them, and soon changes in the law followed to make this possible. When asked about his opinion on the matter, one of the prosecuted comedians had this to say:
"It is with great joy that I have been following the recent developments in Europe regarding satire. We have tried to educate the general public, but also our elected officials, on the concept of irony and sarcasm for years. To see now that they have not only grasped the gist of it, but are actively applying it in government, fills me with pride. Either that, or they really are a bunch of freaking morons."
He was later sentenced to ten years of solitary confinment.

Politics that didn't Happen

The big story this week is, of course, the Panama Papers. More than eleven million documents showing how the rich and powerful (or, to be precise, up to now, mostly the rich and powerful from non-western countries) have hidden their assets in offshore companies to avoid taxes, sanctions, and simply to distance themselves from shady businesses. The problem, however, is of course that, although shady, dishonest, and, if you're feeling patriotic, disloyal, most of those actions where still more or less legal. But the politicians of the west where taking action fast.
While still ahead, big speeches were made, new laws were enacted, and tax reform swept through the western world like a storm. Regimes which were (publicly) implicated in the leak were condemned, new sanctions where implemented, and the metaphorical rug rose a few inches. Because after all, the best way to avoid being caught is to make the rules yourself.

Politics that didn't Happen

In 2016, the UK realized they were loosing the war on terror as they found that kids as young as 4 where helping the extremists, inventing new forms of concealed explosives, known as "cucumber bombs", and designing plans for a "terrorist house".
Not afraid to taking action, the UK home secretary decided to reinforce extremism detection in schools, especially with younger children. The "No line left behind" act was passed, which put a heavy emphasis on the surveillance of pupils. Suspicious activities included misspelling words, drawing unrecognizable shapes that could be interpreted as some form or another of IED, or coloring outside the lines. But the results of the program shocked even those that put it in place.
It soon became clear that, having indulged in the above named suspicious behavior, a vast majority of britains youth was clearly on their way to blow up an airport, or other public and populated place of their choosing. Indeed, it seemed as if the whole populace of the country still in compulsory education was waiting for the chance to plunge the world into chaos. In response, the british government decided to change their school system.
Instead of compulsory education, british children are now subject to compulsory incarceration. The whole population aged 4 to 18 are put into prisons, where they are taught not to blow shit up, and trained educators try to get them to repent for their "original sin". The ministry of public education has recently anounced that the program was a huge success, with only a handful of potential criminals acutally managing to kill people once they got out, and the USA as well as Japan have announced that, following said success, they will implement similar policies.
A group of hardcore hippies keeps maintaining that putting kids in prison is not the right solution, but like every time before now, nobody gives a shit about those pot-smoking wackos.

Politics that didn't Happen

Much like the political processes of most countries, I'm sick, so no update today.
Unlike most countries' political processes, I should be back on track by friday.

Politics that didn't Happen

In 2016, the FBI was on a roll. Not content to take Apple and WhatsApp to court over encryption, although most tech experts agreed that it was a rather stupid idea, they also felt that school were, most definitely, a dangerous place for "freedom" (how exactly they define that word is unknown as of yet, seemingly varying from PR-release to PR-release). Indeed, the bureau feared that schools might become hotbeds of "terrorism" (same as "freedom"). Luckily for the american people, they came up with a solution.
Students (and teachers) expressing strong political opinions, criticising western governments or values, doubting capitalism, or defying current social norms, were "at risk", and should be reported to the relevant authorities.
Wether it was because of the flashy presidential campaign, or because after 9/11, americans had gained the reflex of nodding their head as soon as somebody used the word "terrorism" as a reason to do something, the FBI's new plan was put into place without much opposition. However, things did not turn out quite as expected.
Teenagers who were growing tired of swatting welcomed the new challenge, and, in the first school year after the implementation of their plan, the FBI received over a hundred thousand reports of abnormal behavior by students. As it turned out, most of those were false-flag operations by students against students, and such a strain on ressources that it seemd the FBI would be paralyzed if it did not suspend the program.
The bureau, however, did not back down, and decided that, instead of time-consuming investigations into the validity of accusations, it would simply consider that people who were reported to them had to have done something, and gave everybody a preventive jail sentence of at least six months.
Ten years later, the population of the U.S.A. shrunk from 300 to 100 million, mainly due to mass emigration. Of the remaining people, 10% are in the FBI, and 30% are in jail. But hey, no major terrorist attacks! (probably...)

Politics that didn't Happen

Election results in numerous countries in 2015 and 2016 have made it clear that most people where sick and tired of the way the political process operated. This frustration benefitted mostly the hard-line underdog parties, mainly because they did not have a chance yet to fuck things up. However, in most cases, once given this chance in the following years, they did not do any better than their predecessors. In light of this development, many countries opted for a split in their political system.
On the one hand, they kept the already-present parties, and elections, with all their accompanying media-circus, continued as usual. However, the elected officials held no more power whatsoever. Election would be held for entertainment purposes only, and have no real influence on what concrete legislative and executive measures would be passed. These measures would instead be decided by a panel of experts in the concerned fields, made up of a random draw of academics and professionals.
At first, the results where promising. While professional politicians kept throwing around buzzwords that didn't make much sense, the expert panels could spend their time thinking of solutions instead of popular appeal. However, it did not take long for the selection process, as well as the discussions of the panels, to start suffering from massive corruption. And after a few years, it seems that we were back where we started: a couple of people making a big fuss on the screen, while the real decisions where made in the background, and in the interest of person or persons unknown.

Politics that didn't Happen

I aplogize to those of you who like t
I aplogize to those of you who like their routine, but today's post is gonna be a little different than usual. Today, I do have to rant a bit.
You see, when I started this section of the blog, I thought it'd be fun to kind of take stuff over the top. Making the whole political landscape a bit more ridicoulous, having some fun with it and all that, instead of serious analysis or preachy op-ed pieces about whom should do what. After all, it's better to laugh about it than to cry, as they say. But here's the thing:
Politics, and I mean like, the real ones, have become so ridicoulous since I've strated this thing, that I find it harder each week to top the kind of craziness that goes on in the real world. Donald Trump is on his way to the presidency, thanks to a campaign consisting mainly of offensive remarks and flat out lies. France is in a perpetual state of emergency, making it a de-facto totalitarian police-state. People who commit war crimes get Nobel peace prizes. Coalitions drop bombs in the name of security. And although stuff just keeps on getting worse, the only thing we do is more of the same, in the hope that, at one point, it'll turn from making things worse to making things better. Seriously, you can't make that stuff up. And that's my problem.
So please, in consideration of those of us who try to come up with imaginative, crazy alternatives to the real world, utopian fantasies or dystopian nightmares, please try to make real world politics a bit more boring again. A bit more normal. Cause otherwise, I might just end up being a regular news reporter.
heir routine, but today's post is gonna be a little different than usual. Today, I do have to rant a bit.
You see, when I started this section of the blog, I thought it'd be fun to kind of take stuff over the top. Making the whole political landscape a bit more ridicoulous, having some fun with it and all that, instead of serious analysis or preachy op-ed pieces about whom should do what. After all, it's better to laugh about it than to cry, as they say. But here's the thing:
Politics, and I mean like, the real ones, have become so ridicoulous since I've strated this thing, that I find it harder each week to top the kind of craziness that goes on in the real world. Donald Trump is on his way to the presidency, thanks to a campaign consisting mainly of offensive remarks and flat out lies. France is in a perpetual state of emergency, making it a de-facto totalitarian police-state. People who commit war crimes get Nobel peace prizes. Coalitions drop bombs in the name of security. And although stuff just keeps on getting worse, the only thing we do is more of the same, in the hope that, at one point, it'll turn from making things worse to making things better. Seriously, you can't make that stuff up. And that's my problem.
So please, in consideration of those of us who try to come up with imaginative, crazy alternatives to the real world, utopian fantasies or dystopian nightmares, please try to make real world politics a bit more boring again. A bit more normal. Cause otherwise, I might just end up being a regular news reporter.

Politics that didn't Happen

On 23.02.2016, the European Court of Human Rights issued a press release in which it condemned Italy for its role in the abduction, and subsequent torture, of Hassan Mustafa Osama Nasr, also known as Abu Omar. Of course, the Court was well aware that, although Italy may have aided and abetted the crime, the real culprits were the CIA, and the US government to whom this institution belongs. Furthermore, given the large (and irrefutable) body of evidence pointing to the fact that this incident is not an isolated case, but part of a larger programm that authorizes a systemic violation of basic human rights by the agency, the Court held that, until such practices are halted, all contracting states were to halt all military and judicial cooperation with the US government, effective immediatly.
Indeed, the Court believed that, in light of the events surrounding mr. Omar's abduction, and other evidence, it had become clear that any and all military and judicial cooperation with the United States of America contained a very real, and very high, risk of leading, directly or indirectly, to a violation of human rights for the subject of said military or "judicial" intervention, and as such was contrary to the European Convention on Human Rights, and, in the case of military action, to the Geneva Convention. And after all, what good are human rights if nobody gives a shit?

Politics that didn't Happen

Allthough no one was expecting it, it was in the late 10s that the human space age found its second wind, and the foundations of space-colonisation were created. And it was none other than China that kicked it all off.
Not content with creating new islands in the sea, China decided to apply the same principal to create "islands" in space. Since flying up all the materials needed to make a space station was prohibitively expensive, the chinese sent out just two rockts, both laden with a few pieces of specfific machinery, as well as robots. The robots would then aggregate the space trash around them, much like boats would dredge up sand, to lay the foundations of what was to become the first chinese space colony.
Of course, several other countries complained that the space trash belonged to everybody, and that China had no right to dispose of it at its leisure. But it soon turned out that China's recycling of old satellites and rocket parts was making the orbit a much safer place to work, and it wasn't long before other countries joined the trend.
Since then, construction of space stations and human settlments has improved by leaps and bounds, and has become all the rage in OECD countries. And, after hacing cleaned up the trash, man is once again looking toward the stars.

Politics that didn't Happen

As a new refugee crisis is unfolding in Syria, German chancellor Angela Merkel is blaming the Russians and their air-strikes. In a rare moment of insight, the leaders of the western coalition army realized that there was a connection between dropping bombs on a country, and the people of that country trying to flee. This caused them to admit that, maybe, not only Russian bombs, but American ones and French ones too, could have that effect. Which would mean that the larger refugee crisis that has been happening over the past two years might just be their own doing.
Once this realization hit home, the leaders of those countries manned up, and, ready to take responsability, decided that each of the members of the western coalition army would tak in refugees in numbers proportional to their military involvment in Syria and elsewhere. Given that this decision was highly unpopular with some segments of their (voter-)population, but it being too late now to backpedal after their big announcement, these same countries quickly reduced their military actions abroad, so as to minimize the number of refugees they had to take in. And as the world as a whole realized that it was a lot less fun to play war when you had to take responsibility for the people on both sides that were affected by it, peace started to spread.

Politics that didn't Happen

As the frist quarter of the XXIst century neared its end, elections in the U.S.A. became more and more contested, be it municipal, state or nationwide. As a result, more often than not, the only way left to determine the winner was by coin toss.
As this trend showed no clear sign of stopping, it was soon decided that elections would be abolished all together. Instead, every person who could pay a fee (based on the average campaign costs of the last ten people to have successfully run for the desired office) would be allowed to participate in a coin-toss competition to see who could get the most heads on twenty tosses, and the winner would automatically be sworn in (in case of a draw, there was a sudden-death rule).
As this system was first introduced, civil liberties unions were outraged, and protested heavily. But after the first few "elections" were over, everyone quickly realised that the results were not that much different from before. In fact, given the increase in diversity in "elected" officials, which suddenly reflected the demographic make-up of the U.S., one could even argue that the system worked even better than before. And, due to the entry fees being collected by the concerned municipalities, as well as state and national governments, instead of being wasted on ridicoulously overblown campaigns, the U.S. budget situation took a turn for the better. In fact, the new system was so successfull that it wasn't long before other countries started to follow suit, and by the end of the twenty-first century, most nations decided on their leaders by some form of lottery.
Of course, on occasion, this could result in unqualified people getting the top jobs in government. But as we all know, this had always been the case. And now, at least people were free to concentrate on other things instead of following the election ("Coin-toss night" was still the most watched T.V.-event in the world, but it only took up one evening, instead of over a year), thanks to which we managed to handle the situation a lot better than before.

Politics that didn't Happen

As the twenty-first century progressed, data-collection was all the rage. Through social networks and the IoT, humans collected all the data they could, all the time, as their long-forgotten romance with probabilities and statistics found a second wind. The passion of this mid-life love-affair was such that, by 2020, more money was invested in digital storage than any other commodity. Of course, all that data was not collected just to look at it.
From credit ratings to citizen scores to threat levels to the likelyhood of you buying a new flatscreen TV, every aspect of human life was suddenly influenced one way or another by big data. Law enforcement especially was in love with the new technology, which could finally absolve it of any responsability in the decision-making process. But it seems the romance was as short-lived as it was intense.
In 2023, Alfred Marx, form the Max Planck Institute for Data-Mining (which was a real thing by then), invented an algorithm that used publicly available data to detect large-scale fraud and/or tax-evasion. In a master stroke, it seems he managed to include the algorithm in law-enforcement data-mining software through government-mandated backdoors. And, since the police was now entirely dependent on data-analysis for any kind of investigation, they were forced to go after more and more rich criminals. And given the proprietory nature of the software, nobody could look at the source code to change it back. This, of course, had dire consequences for the data industry.
In less than six months after the first arrest, privacy protection was the main topic among politicians, and less than two years later, laws were passed that allowed only the most rudimentary form of data collection, until, once again, the easiest way to get rid of investigations was to be rich. Because traditions should not be forgotten so easily.

Politics that didn't Happen

In France, the regional elections in late 2015 saw the FN win a majority of seats all over the country. Both the socialist party and the republicans lost most of the contested areas, and it became clear that the FN is the biggest party in France. However, the repercussions of this grand victory did not help Marine LePen's prospect for the presidential elections in 2016.
As her party now had actual power, all eyes were on France to see how the anti-EU, anti-immigration far-right that was springing up all over Europe would handle being in office. As it turned out, they did not handle it very well.
The sudden and aggressive cuts in funds to immigration management and social welfare caused a stir of social unrest as early as February 2016. The tensions with the EU meant that international trade became rocky. The FN tried to salvage the french economy by making new deals with Russia, but this caused them to be the subject of sanctions by the US, as tensions over Ukraine and Syria resurfaced. And the party's support plumetted.
All in all, voting for the FN in the regional elections seems to have been the surest way to keep them from the presidential office.

Politics that didn't Happen

In 2016, Donald Trump was elected as president of the U.S.A. Keen to uphold his election pledges, he was quick to close the US border to mexico. And to ban all muslims from entering the country. After a few months, it became clear that this did not solve all the countries problems, so, along with some changes in internal politics, including low income tax for the super-rich as well as even laxer gun laws, he also decided to recall all US forces from abroad, and deployed them inside the country for extra security. And still, the US was "not great enough" in the billionaire's view. So he decided to close the countries borders entirely, and to cut all personal internet and telephone communications with the outside world. Starting from 2017, the US had only diplomatic and economic contacts with the rest of the globe, and only the very elite where allowed to travel abroad. And as the US kept to themselves, the rest of the world started to feel pretty damn good.

Politics that didn't Happen

In the wake of the Paris attacks, several countries, including France, Great Britain, Russia and the US, stepped up their efforts to bomb Syria into smithereens.
The drastic increase in military spending caused by this decision put a strain on their budgets, but, because of the increase in revenue in the military-industrial complex,the overall economy of participating countries seemd to boom. And it wasn't long before most states which produced their own bombs started to join in.
In less than a year, over twenty countries where shelling positions in Syria, and the increasingly crammed airspace became the cause for a number of spats between these states. To avoid any serious incident, the UN soon decided to allocate specific areas to each country, which they could bomb at leisure without any risk of collision with other armed forces. As syrians kept fleeing their homeland and seeking refuge elsewhere, the land became empty, and, by 2018, the whole of Syria was one big weapons testing ground.
Today, there is barely a living thing to be found in the region, but the bombing continues to increase in intensity as arms manufacturing has become the pillar of the economy for most of the participating countries. And even though few people still remember how any of this started, heads of state keep on insisting on the need for more, larger bombs. And in 2020, the first international bombing contest will be held, an event which the organisers hope will become a bi-annual event. After all, there is nothing quite like the feeling of blowing up stuff.

Politics that didn't Happen

In mid-2016, the swiss people, sick and tired of being screwed around with, launched a popular initiative to make lying a criminal offence for anyobdy acting in an official capacity granted by popular election. The initiative was voted in by a vast majority, and its effects where immediate. Over half of the acting politicians were soon stripped of office and either fined or imprisoned for breaking the new law. The political vacuum thus created had to be filled fast, but, afraid of the consequences their habits could now cause, most politicians refused to stand for election. Those who did where either a far cry away from mainstream politics, or kept their speeches to a bare minimum. The slogan of one candidate simple stated that "If I am elected, I will become an official elected by the people."
As time continued, the two strategies showed very different results. People voted consistently for the candidates making real commitments, and, after a period of "political selection", only those who did everything in their power to honor those commitments remained. And for a time, all seemed well.
Sadly, after a few years, the political elite has started to rally their troops. Trained in double speak, and backed by an army of lawyers and linguists, they spent most of their time in office fending of criminal charges. And the swiss government became little more than a reality show.
However, the people did not mind. While the political class was busy trying to prove that when they said "A", they actually meant "B", the people started making the changes they wanted to see come true by themselves. Citizen projects flourished all over the country, and a sense of solidarity and purpose took a hold of the whole country. As one citizen put it, "Once we got the politicians otherwise occupied, we where finally able to get stuff done."

Politics that didn't Happen

After the Paris attacks of 13.11.2015, shock and outrage took a hold of France. Ex-President Nicolas Sarkozy in particular could not believe the reaction of the Hollande government. "For years, my party has spent millions campaigning for less immigration, stripping criminals of their french passport, and a higher budget for the military in general and mass surveillance in particular, and we got nowhere. And now these seven guys come out of nowhere, with a measly budget of a couple thousand euros, and in less than a day, they achieve what we have been trying to do for years. It's disgusting." However, he assures voters that his party will not make the same mistakes twice. "We have a team of analysts working around the clock, and we will learn our lesson from this. Why spend hundreds of thousands on public events, when a couple of kalachnikovs will achieve the same goal in seconds?"
Meanwhile, the leadership of Les Republicain (the new name for the UMP party headed by the ex-President) has decided to sue the Hollande government for copyright infringement. "They have clearly stolen our ideas, copying our policies almost word-for-word. We believe that this is a clear case of copyright infringement, and an unethical move to confuse voters before the 2017 elections, and we will go to trial as soon as we find an open courtroom.", they said in their press-release.
Hollande responded by saying that there was "no reason" for the right to have a monopoly on totalitarian policies. "Look at Stalin. Look at Mao. The left has just as much to offer in regards to surveillance and police state than the right, if not more so.", the President was quoted as saying.