Citations that weren't Made

"There are a lot of free lunches happening every day. Just because no one invited you doesn't mean you should try and ruin it for everybody else."

    - Leon Trotsky

Animals that don't Exist

The Liquor Fish

The liquor fish, Trutta liquore, is a member of the trout family, and is mainly found in mountain streams in the Atlas region of northern Africa. Like other animals, the liquor fish, when making an anaerobic effort (meaning that the muscles have to produce energy without a sufficient supply of oxugen), produces alcohol as a by-product. In other species, this by-product is then simply ecavuated along with other cellular waste. But the liquor fish stores it in a special compartiment in his body, called the “liquor pouch”, which is situated near its intestines.

Prof. Andrew Daniels, of the University of Jacksville, believes that this peculiar morphological feature has evolved as a defense against predators. When eating the fish, they would get drunk off the aclohol, and that this would discourage further predation of the species.

Due to its effects, the fish was rarely hunted by humans in the region, most of them being muslims, and thus shunning alcohol. A few local tribes did catch the fish for special occasions of revelry, and there was a small but constant market for it with some muslims, who saw it as a way to bypass their religion's ban on alcohol, but the population seems to have remained stable up until the late 18^th century, when french colonialists discovered its existence.

The french found its flesh to be delicious, and, finding that the inhebriation that inevitably followed the consumption of the fish only made the experience more pleasurable, started catching and selling it in earnest. It did not take long for the liquor fish to become a sought-after gourmet pleasure in France, and as commerce of the animal intensified, natural populations started to come under heavy pressure, and fell rapidly.

After decolonisation in the 60's, commerce continued to drive the species towards extinction, and it seemed that it would not be long before the liquor fish was no more. However, recent conflicts in the region have discouraged most to go look for it, and populations have been recovering slowly but steadily for the past ten years. Whether this trend will continue once the situation stabilizes remains to be seen.

Politics that didn't Happen

In mid-2016, the swiss people, sick and tired of being screwed around with, launched a popular initiative to make lying a criminal offence for anyobdy acting in an official capacity granted by popular election. The initiative was voted in by a vast majority, and its effects where immediate. Over half of the acting politicians were soon stripped of office and either fined or imprisoned for breaking the new law. The political vacuum thus created had to be filled fast, but, afraid of the consequences their habits could now cause, most politicians refused to stand for election. Those who did where either a far cry away from mainstream politics, or kept their speeches to a bare minimum. The slogan of one candidate simple stated that "If I am elected, I will become an official elected by the people."
As time continued, the two strategies showed very different results. People voted consistently for the candidates making real commitments, and, after a period of "political selection", only those who did everything in their power to honor those commitments remained. And for a time, all seemed well.
Sadly, after a few years, the political elite has started to rally their troops. Trained in double speak, and backed by an army of lawyers and linguists, they spent most of their time in office fending of criminal charges. And the swiss government became little more than a reality show.
However, the people did not mind. While the political class was busy trying to prove that when they said "A", they actually meant "B", the people started making the changes they wanted to see come true by themselves. Citizen projects flourished all over the country, and a sense of solidarity and purpose took a hold of the whole country. As one citizen put it, "Once we got the politicians otherwise occupied, we where finally able to get stuff done."

Citations that weren't Made

"Death is the last thing you'll ever experience, so make sure you enjoy it."

    - Anon

Animals that don't Exist

The Sailing Crow

The sailing crow, Corvax marinus, is a bird of ill repute and strange fascination that lives off the coast of the Irish Isles. At home on fishing boats or cargo ships, the sailing crow is said to be of foul mood and nasty temper, and there are more than a few sailors who have lost a finger to it. Yet none of them would ever try to shoo it away.

Sailing crows are said to have the ability to sense storms, and warn the crew from impending disasters. Many stories are told all over Ireland of how they saved a vessel, and of how they let another one sail to its demise after the sailors had chased it away.

Prof. Ellen Paragoda, of the Dublin Institute of Occult Biology (DIOB), has been studying the animals for several years, and has found that the science backs up the stories. Indeed, a series of laboratory experiments have confirmed that the animals can sense changes in air pressure and humidity, as well as subtle shifts in temperature, which allows them to predict the weather.

“When we expose them to the same conditions that you would have on the sea when a storm is approaching, the get very agitated. They are unpleasant fellows to begin with, but they become downright nasty when they think they are in danger. I suppose some crews couldn't take it, and threw them out just before the storm hit. And others could see the warning signs for what they were, and got out of there in time.”

In recent years, due to advance in availability and capability of modern technology, the birds are less and less welcome on most ships. But there are still some sailors who believe that there is more to it than just science.

Politics that didn't Happen

After the Paris attacks of 13.11.2015, shock and outrage took a hold of France. Ex-President Nicolas Sarkozy in particular could not believe the reaction of the Hollande government. "For years, my party has spent millions campaigning for less immigration, stripping criminals of their french passport, and a higher budget for the military in general and mass surveillance in particular, and we got nowhere. And now these seven guys come out of nowhere, with a measly budget of a couple thousand euros, and in less than a day, they achieve what we have been trying to do for years. It's disgusting." However, he assures voters that his party will not make the same mistakes twice. "We have a team of analysts working around the clock, and we will learn our lesson from this. Why spend hundreds of thousands on public events, when a couple of kalachnikovs will achieve the same goal in seconds?"
Meanwhile, the leadership of Les Republicain (the new name for the UMP party headed by the ex-President) has decided to sue the Hollande government for copyright infringement. "They have clearly stolen our ideas, copying our policies almost word-for-word. We believe that this is a clear case of copyright infringement, and an unethical move to confuse voters before the 2017 elections, and we will go to trial as soon as we find an open courtroom.", they said in their press-release.
Hollande responded by saying that there was "no reason" for the right to have a monopoly on totalitarian policies. "Look at Stalin. Look at Mao. The left has just as much to offer in regards to surveillance and police state than the right, if not more so.", the President was quoted as saying.

Citations that weren't Made

"One hundred years after Einstein, human stupidity is still the only truly infinite quantity in the universe."

    - Stephen Hawnking, November 2015