Animals that don't Exist

The Cool Cat

The cool cat, Felis catus slickus, is believed to be a relatively recent sub-species of the common house-cat. There is little morphological difference between the two species, with the exception that the cool cat always has a uniformly colored fur, which can vary from black to orange to white, including any color that may be found in common house-cats. However, the most notable difference between the cool cats and your regular tabby is to be found in its behavior.

Unlike house-cats, who generally exhibit a number of behavioral tics when living in apartments without the possibility to go outside, and otherwise show a rather lazy, solitary lifestyle, cool cats have very marked behavioral traits, which do not vary depending on the environment.

For example, even though mostly solitary, cool cats will exhibit gregarious behavior during the week-ends. They tend to group together, identifying their fellows by as of yet unknown mechanisms, and such gatherings will often result in copulation, which has caused a rapid rise in the cool cat population in recent years. It is even feared that cool cats might soon displace the local house-cats as the most numerous member of the Felidae family in urban environments. How they know which days are part of the week-end is unknown.

In addition to this, cool cats, unlike other cats, seem to be unconcerned by the quality and/or provenance of their food. Everybody who has ever had a cat knows that they quickly develop peculiar preferences in diet, which, if changed, can even cause the cat to leave. Not so with cool cats. No matter if it is cat food or leftovers, cool cats eat whatever food is available.

Another trait of cool cats is that they love tainted glass surface. Be it sunglasses or just a tainted car window, cool cats will invariably be attracted to it, and try to hide from the sun behind such surfaces. Inexplicably, they will continue to do so even at night. Although a team of researchers of the New York Center for the Study of Completely Crazy Stuff (NYC-SCCS) has spent several months analyzing their eye-structure, they have found no differences between those of cool cats and of house-cats, and thus concluded that the phenomenon is purely behavioral in nature.

It has also been reported that cool cats are fond of opiates. Hospitals and pharmacies have recently complained about cool cat invasions. The animals were mainly found in ICUs, trying to bite through the infusion tubes to gain access to the morphine administered to patients. In addition, they have also been observed stealing food from patients, and, in one morbid instance, trying to eat the cadaver of a freshly deceased patient. Despite the numerous problems, it seems that at times, the patients themselves feed the cool cats, in an effort to gain their affection.

Other unconfirmed reports seem to suggest that drug cartels are also having a problem with the felines, because they target their cocaine and heroine stashes. It is even rumored that the police is now trying to train cool cats to locate drug caches.

Lastly, even though there is no genetic or morphological reason, cool cats avoid mating with regular house-cats. On the rare occasions where such a union does take place, the offspring inherits the traits of slickus in 94% of observed occurrences.